What she wanted
by SophieU
Summary: It hits him like a train and he doesn't know what to do. She wants him to know what she wants but how could he do just that. Doesn't she know that it's not that easy.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't know when I came up with this idea and I'm going to apologize in advance.**

 **Just some mistakes fixed. Also I borrowed a scene from PD.**

 **Still don't own anything.**

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How long has it been you ask? About two years and after she came to the district that day I've never heard from her again. And don't get me wrong I tried. There wasn't a day that I didn't text or call her but she never answered. Neither did she ever reach out to me so after four months of painful one sided attempts I stopped trying. At first the time between my calls and text got longer and instead of calling her every day I just called two times a week. The same happened with the texts. At some point I must have realized that if she would want to talk to me she would have answered me by now and that the chances were pretty small that she was ever going to. Well actually I realized that way earlier but I couldn't get myself to lose hope because after all she was the one I loved and still love. Love was the reason I fought so hard to get my panic attacks and nightmare under control so I could come back to her hoping she would take me back. If only there wouldn't have been that case that changed it all that made her lose her cool in the interrogation room. If only Lugo wouldn't have come to find her with her gun in the interrogation room this wouldn't have happened. She would have never lost her badge and privilege to be a cop in Chicago. Then Bunny happened once again and she saved her bad excuse of a mother for the hundredth time sacrificing herself in the process.

That night I tried to get a hold of her for about two hours. I left her so many voicemails until it was completely full and those never got an answer either. So I sat there waiting for her to show up even though I knew that she wouldn't. I desperately wanted her to show up so I could pull her aside and tell her that I was getting so close to being better or at least came to a point where I could come back to her.

Each day that passed after that made me ask myself why I never drove to the apartment that night to find her and talk to her or why I waited three days that were filled with not answered texts and calls to ask Voight if he knew what was going on with Erin. When he told me that she took a job with the FBI counter terrorism unit and was relocated to New York I was so unbelievable pissed at the universe for all this crap. Why couldn't we catch a break for once? Why did Abby have to come back and why could she not just have signed the annulment papers all those years ago?

It just always seemed like neither us deserved to be happy. I wished nothing more than for our lives to be normal and that the only abnormalities were due to our job. That wish wasn't granted though because our lives were so majorly screwed and would always be. What I seemed to deserve though was the heart ache that came with her leaving me without so much as one word. You know now that I think about it my wish did come true in the end because after Erin went to work with the FBI I went from kind of living to barely surviving each endless day. How could it not since everything that kept me living and wanting to live was not in Chicago anymore. I wasn't able to see my purpose ever again. The only tiny bit of light that made me get out of bed was the hope that she would talk to me again or even come back after a while.

I kept that light burning deep inside me for almost two years but today it burned out so fast that I didn't even feel myself giving up and I think I lost myself completely right there and then. Sitting here in our once shared apartment that I couldn't give up on I realize that I could have known it all along.

It all started about a week ago on a rainy Friday…

… _the day before we had finally closed a case that was so cruel he wasn't sure if those pictures planted in my head by Harold Grant would ever leave me again. The guy had pretended to be injured and made his victims feel pity for him. He targeted young women between 18 and 30 and after they helped him out he invited them to stay for coffee that was laced with drugs that made them paralyzed but they stayed completely conscious. He then mutilated their sex organs with an ice pickle before tying off all their limbs. In the end he would cut them off but not before the drug was out of their system and they were completely aware of what he was doing and felt the pain it was inflicting. I and Voight had been the ones to interrogate him and if it wouldn't have been for the cameras still present in the room we would've done something way more painful to him right there and then to wipe the smug grin of his face._

 _After those especially cruel few days Hank thought we all deserved to have a long weekend so he dismissed us after we finished our paperwork and told us unless the team would get a big case not to show up till Monday. Those news would've usually bring cheering from at least one of the unit members but after a case like this one there was always a depressing and oddly comforting silence surrounding the bullpen. I wasn't surprised that no one wanted to go for a drink either. It seemed like in the last two years the days the fellow cops went to Molly's decreased steadily. Or maybe they just didn't invite me anymore since I mainly declined every invitation I got. Yeah I wouldn't ask me either I haven't been good company for a long time. The only one who convinced me to go out anymore was my brother. Ironically his love life finally fell in place around the same time mine was trashed into pieces and sucked into a dark hole almost swallowing me too. Will confessed his feelings to Natalie after Noah's party and ever since then they've been so happy and I know that he tries to play it down when he is around me. Sometimes I think he forgets what my job is because he thinks I don't pick up on the small things he tries to avoid talking about or even the way he acts sometimes. Like that one time after they've been a couple for a while and Natalie told him she loves him for the first time he was bursting of happiness and even though he told me he pretended it wasn't a big deal. There were so many times I wanted to tell him that he doesn't have to leave his happy relationship at the doorstep every time he came over or leave it at home when we met up somewhere because this obvious avoiding made it even worse for me. It made me think of all the times I used to tease him about manning up to get Natalie or at least to know how she feels back when my Love was right there beside me. I can't bring myself to tell him though and just play along._

 _So I drag myself home where I'll probably head straight to the kitchen to get a drink I only drink half before I pass out in front of the TV. Yeah that's how my life has been for the last two years. Every now and then when my alcohol stash ru_ _ns out and I actually make it to a bar .I purposefully try to avoid those once I could meet anybody I know because those nights are for drinking myself numb and letting myself get picked up by random girls never taking them to my apartment because I could never do that in there with anybody else. I always feel bad the next morning but not because of the killer hangovers I have but because I use those poor girls knowing that it will take me so much longer to be ready for a serious relationship again. I still wait for them to wake up before I leave because I wouldn't just leave that's not who I am._

 _That night though I find a half full bottle of whiskey and for once I actually finish the glass and go for a second one. I could blame it on the case but I know that there is something else for some reason I have that feeling and I just can't put my finger on it. It worries me that I can't figure it out for fucks sake as a detective I should be able to have control about my feelings and know what they mean. So after desperately trying to pinpoint it I decided I just had to push it to the back of my mind for now. It would come back to me if it was important. That night I wake up sweating like crazy my heart racing and my body shaking uncontrollable. I just knew something was wrong than and I had that feeling again. I looked on my bedside table to look at the time. 3:28 am. I checked my phone maybe that would help me make up what was wrong but I didn't have any notification. So I lay there staring at the ceiling finally calm enough to think straight. What was going on I never once had this feeling before not after I came back from overseas , while I was over there or before that. I didn't matter how hard I tried to fall back asleep that night it wouldn't happen so after one and half hour of tossing and turning I decided to just stay awake. While I was getting out of bed a thought invaded my mind. Will? Maybe something happened to him and that's why I was feeling like that. Without thinking about the time I dialed his number as fast as I could._

" _Hello?" With that I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. He sounded ok tired and groggy but fine._

 _I must've zoned out because the next thing I heard was a slightly aggressive "Jay why the hell are you calling me at 4 in the morning?" I sighed heavily. "Wait are you all right? Did something happen?"_

" _Are you?" I asked him instead of answering his question._

" _Yeah I was peacefully sleeping until my idiot brother thought it's a good idea to wake me up." Will tried half joked and normally I would've countered with something witty but not today which seemed to concern my little brother. "Jay what's going on with you?"_

 _That's what I'm trying to find out I thought to myself._

" _Nothing I'm sorry go back to sleep." And with that I disconnected the call._

 _Thank god Will is ok but if it's not Will why was I feeling like this? He is about the only person I'm close to these days._

 _I slipped on some running gear and went out. Running always helped me clear my mind even in the darkest hours. For some reason it usually seemed even more effective in the pitch black darkness that was surrounding me at night. The relief wasn't granted me though I couldn't shake that feeling off no matter how fast I was running, how much my lungs were burning, how loud I turned the music that came through the headphones or how hard I pounded my feet on to the ground. I kept on running hoping I would get it out of my system but that didn't happen. That was the reason why I spent my first free days in month drinking in a sketchy bar I've never heard of before and when that feeling was still there after my fifth drink I decided to speed it up a bit and went for tequila._

 _The weekend was a blur I don't know if I was really sober once but by the time it was Sunday night I forced myself to stop drinking, I had to go back to work tomorrow anyway. At least I could sleep that night thanks to the amount of alcohol I consumed during the last three days._

 _Monday morning came way too early for my liking and as I was brewing a strong cup of coffee in the kitchen I looked around the apartment. All of a sudden I could feel my heart beat increasing, my palms were sweating like crazy and my hands shaking. A panic attack. Two in three days this hasn't happened in a while and I had to ask myself what was going on. Then there was that feeling again but this time it was so much stronger than it had been and out of nowhere I started sobbing. I sank to the kitchen floor and cried for what felt like hours but in reality were only twenty minutes. When it had finally stopped I felt even worse than I had before but I had to go to work so I got up poured the coffee in a to-go mug and grabbed my keys, badge and gun before I headed to the district._

 _All day long I felt like I was floating outside of my body it was so hard to concentrate on anything luckily we didn't get a case. We catched up on the piled up paperwork and checked in with CI's. After I got what seemed to be my fourth cup of coffee that day I found myself standing in front of Voight's office._

 _I had been in autopilot all day long and so my lips moved without me really realizing. What did I say? Next thing I know Voight gave me that look I've gotten so familiar with in the last 24 month. I must've looked like complete shit because instead of giving me on of his usual phrases he let out a big sigh. Then he mentioned for me to close the door and sit down._

" _Kid you've to stop doing this to yourself. It's not going to get better if you're not willing it to. " Ah, Erin that's what I must've asked._

" _I'm trying." Was all I could muster and we both knew that it was only half true._

" _You know I miss her too but I know she isn't coming back anytime soon so you need to move on." When I didn't answer he continued. "If it makes you feel better when I talked to her a few weeks ago she sounded good. She was about to go undercover and wasn't sure when the next time we could talk would be. For all I know she still likes the job."_

 _I expected to feel better but I didn't oddly the knowledge of her being undercover made it worse. Was it because I still felt like I was the only one who could really have her back without making me worried? Maybe but that wasn't all of it. I sat in Hanks office staring out of the window and when I still haven't made a move to leave he sighed again. Maybe I should just tell him. So I did._

" _The other night I woke up having a full on panic attack which I haven't had in month and I can't shake this feeling off and I don't know why. It drives me insane not to know where it came from. I called my brother in the middle of the night because I thought something might have happened to him but he was fine. The whole weekend it didn't go away no matter what I did and then this morning I was making coffee and out of freaking nowhere I had another panic attack. Knowing that she is undercover just made it a whole lot worse to be honest and by now I have a suspicion that that feeling has something to do with her. Don't ask me why I can't explain it." I knew I was pleading for whatever it was I wanted but I didn't care._

" _You know I make a call, see what I can do but we don't know how deep under she is and you know how it can get so I can't promise anything. I'll let you know what I find out." Who could've known that Hank Voight would ever sympathize with me? Of course I hoped that he would but I think Erin leaving hit him harder than we all thought or he showed. He seemed to have gotten a lot softer around me day by day._

Even though it surprised me I did know why. We were the two people who were closest to her here in Chicago and even though our hurt was on different bases it was kind of the same. Hank missed his, well his daughter because by all means he was definitely the only one that deserved to get the title as her father. I on the other hand had no idea what we were when she left. We weren't a couple anymore even though we never broken up, officially anyways. We weren't friends either because that required for us to talk about something other than work. Partners? No,that had changed too. There was no us anymore only her and me, separately. Her in our once shared apartment going through the consequences of her actions alone even though she shouldn't have to. Me being stuck with those freaking nightmares interrupting the few nights I was actually able to fall asleep even though no freezing feet were tucked under my legs and no weight on my chest were her head used to rest. Her not talking to me for good reason because I just left like all the other people in her life even though I swore to be different. It was one of the biggest mistakes I made in my life right after marrying Abby in the first place. Why did I think Erin couldn't handle my PTSD or that I could handle it better alone? I left her alone after she obviously swallowed her pride and stood over the fact that I had been married all this time without knowing it or ever telling her about that night. I knew how my nightmares could get and I just could stand the fact of hurting her physically but that was BS because in the end I still hurt her in a much worse way.

She could have handled it I know that but I wasn't thinking straight which was also why I didn't realize that I hadn't had a nightmare in the longest time because sharing a bed with her made me feel so at home and at peace like nothing else could ever have. The guilt will probably never let me go because after all I never stopped loving her even when I left her alone in the apartment. I thought I did it to protect her from my demons but I did it because I was afraid. Of what? Whatever would come along with them. What would she think of me once she knew what I did over there in the desert? I was afraid that it would change her view of me but that was ridiculous because she would've known that that wasn't my choice that I had to do it and she would've told me that who I'm is the man she loved. She of all people knows that the past should stay in the past even though we never got that lucky.

She has always been the stronger one of the two of us and I hoped that she would be okay without me. Which she was but that didn't mean that she wasn't hurt and seeing her crying has always been something I couldn't handle. I could've never known how much it would hurt if I was the reason she cried because damn it I wanted to be hit by a bus when I saw her crying in the break room that day. I told her that we shouldn't be tiptoeing around each other at work and telling her about the meetings. I just wanted her to know that I was working on getting back to her and she not being able look me in the eyes broke me. We've never had that problem until I screwed it all up. In the end all of this was my fault because all the things that happened and let her to take the job in New York wouldn't have happened if I was still her partner. Even though I couldn't have changed what Bunny did Erin wouldn't have been on administrative leave. I like to believe that I could've stopped her from taking her gun and shoving it down that scumbag's throat. One thing is for sure she would've been able to talk me down. It doesn't mean that Upton is a less god cop than me or hell Voight would've probably been able to get her out of the room before the chief came but we were always good in calming each other couple or not. Or maybe I couldn't have talked her down but I would've made sure to cover for her. But I wasn't there and failed her once again. After the case with the boy she had to shoot I should've tried harder I knew she was struggling with it. The fact that she actually admitted it was a clear indication and don't think I didn't want to but I was wrapped up in my own head. I felt like I wasn't allowed to comfort her anymore at least not till I had things under control. When Bunny killed her boyfriend and pulled Erin with her I wanted to pull her in my arms and never let her go so badly but I never got the chances to because the next thing I knew was that she left Chicago.

 _Once Voight and I had a moment alone in the bullpen I saw my opportunity to talk to him about Erin. I was hoping he could tell me how she is since she wasn't responding to any of my attempts of communication._

" _Hey Sarge, have you heard from Lindsay?" I prayed he did because it worried me that I hadn't._

" _Nope,you?" For god's sake why couldn't I be lucky for once?_

" _I left her a message. I didn't hear back." That wasn't exactly true I filled her voicemail and send her about 100 texts._

" _Probably on assignment." Voight didn't understand though that I haven't heard from her at all since she left two weeks ago. Not that I have told him that. I just didn't understand why she couldn't answer at least one of my texts she wouldn't even have to talk to me. Then a thought crossed my mind._

" _She isn't coming back is she?" The moment I've said those words out loud I could see Voight features change and before he even said anything I knew the answer._

" _Look, it was time for her to move on. It just was. You need to make peace with it." He should know that that is easy said than done._

I've definitely been not at peace with it. You could say I sort of accepted it but even that took me a long time. I think I might never come to peace with this at least not anytime soon and especially not now after all that happened.

Since that day I just always kept my hopes up I mean she would have to come back eventually right? She would come to visit Voight right? Maybe she did. Maybe she met up with Kim while she was here and I just never knew about it because she told them not to tell me. Not that I could change any of it now but I still wonder if she ever came back.

The last three days have been a blur I don't even know how I got through them since all I seemed to do was spending time in the past. Ever since Voight told me the presence seemed like a world I didn't want to live in.

 _That night when I got home I found myself checking my phone every five seconds but it never buzzed I must've fallen asleep at some point because the next thing I remember is waking up with a group text from Voight. "Catched a crime scene I need you at the Navy Pier. ASAP." I groaned when I saw that it was only 4:30 am. Once I reached Navy Pier and saw Voight I wanted to ask him if he had heard back from his contact yet so badly but we had a case so I tried to push it aside at least for a little while. It was still early anyway so I wouldn't have been surprised if he was still waiting for an answer. Due to the rather confusing case I was able to at least think about something else than the sinking feeling I had in my stomach. By 10pm we had found a key piece of evidence that lead to the arrest of the woman who was responsible for it all. As soon as I had wrote the last word on my report all my earlier thoughts pushed themselves back to the front of my mind. Since Hank already went home for the day I decided to go to his house. The house I haven't stepped a foot in in over two years. The last time I was here was with her when Voight has invited us or her over for a barbeque and I still remember how nervous I was since we've had never met up with him privately before well at least not alone anyway. Now I was nervous too but for a whole different reason. I was nervous,no let me correct terrified because of that feeling and now I knew it had something to do with her._ _When I got to Hank's house I set in my car for a while until I could get my body to move and I make its way to the door on which my hand knocked mechanically._

 _One, Two, Three, Four, Five_

 _That's how many times I knocked I've always liked the number 5. Ever since I was in first grade and we learned how to count I just liked the number 5 without a particular reason. When I counted to calm myself I would always count to five. Over and over again._

 _The creaking of the door broke me out of my thoughts and I came face to face with Hank. He looked at me for a minute before he stepped inside to let me in the house. As soon as I stepped into the house I turned to my boss._

" _Did you hear back from your contact?" I hoping he would've answered my question before I even had to ask._

" _I reached out but they told me that they would call back. They haven't though I was about to call again you can go sit in the couch while I make the call. Do you want to drink anything?" One thing I always liked about Voight was that he persisted. I just shock my head and walked over to the couch._

 _I wasn't able to sit though as the feeling grew stronger with every minute he was in the other room talking on the phone. I paced the length of the living room counting to five attempting to keep myself calm. The longer it took for Voight to end his call the harder it got for me to stay calm. The thought that were implanted in my mind made everything just so much worth. I looked down at my watch and realized he is been talking on the phone for the last twenty –five minutes. This can't be good. What is taking that long? One thing is for sure saying that she is fine just wrapped up in the op shouldn't take that long. I could feel myself hyperventilating so I tried to concentrate on counting again._

 _One, breath, Two, breath, Three, breath, Four, breath, Five, breath._

 _When Hank didn't come back for another ten minutes I couldn't wait anymore. Fuck it,I thought and made my way to the kitchen where he had gone to make the call. His back was turned to me and he was standing in front of the window overlooking his backyard. He seemed to have been obvious to me standing in the doorway so I called his name a couple of times. He didn't react and just than I noticed that he wasn't talking on the phone anymore. As I looked around the room I found it laying on the floor on the other side of the room completely smashed. All of this filled me with anxiety worse than I've ever felt before. I've only seen Voight like this twice in the six years I've known him and I knew what it meant._

To be honest I don't remember what happened after that. The next thing I know was waking up on Voight's couch the next morning and I felt like I had drank a gallon of whiskey. Voight appeared in the doorway and by the look he gave me I knew what he had told me last night without him having to say it again. So instead of asking him something I did not want an answer to I asked him if we drank last night. But you know my whishes haven't been granted for a while now so it wasn't surprising that this time was no different. As he answered to all the questions I purposefully tried to avoid.

" _No." He simply said as he went to sit in the armchair next to the couch. Just as he opened his mouth again to continue to speak I interrupted him._

" _Please don't say it." I plead with him._

" _Kid you know that this is not going to help. Do you think I want to talk about this? No,definitely not.I would much rather have her in my arms right now. I'm gonna tell you what happened last night even though you don't want to know right now and bel_ _ieve me when I tell you gonna want to know sooner than later." I wasn't able to look at him as he said the next words because I could feel tears clouding my sight and even though he must've seen me cry last night doesn't mean he had to now. "You had another panic attack. You just fell to the floor sobbing, rocking back and forth I tried to talk to you but you didn't respond to anything and after like forty minutes I called Will because I wasn't sure what to do anymore. You were still panicking and Will couldn't get you to stop or calm down either so he gave you a mild sedative and we moved you to the couch. He had to go into work but he said he would check on you later." That's why I felt like I drank myself dumb._

 _We were quiet for a couple of moments both just mindlessly looking around the room. It took all my strength to muster up the next question and even though it was extremely hard I knew I had to know. "How did it happen?" I didn't get an answer right away what made me look up. Hank sat there his eyes closed breathing deeply and it was just now that I realized he looked older than usual. He had rings under his swollen eyes and I knew that his eyes would be red from crying. His skin was paler and his hair looked grayer than usual. He seemed to be_ _fighting tears because he,much like me didn't like to vulnerable in front of people._

 _I found myself wanting to comfort him but I didn't move or say anything Hank probably wouldn't appreciate it. He didn't open his eyes but still started to speak._

" _Undercover. She was deep in with an international weapon trafficking ring and they were close to solving the case. The last time she reported back she told them that she has a lead and was going to follow up on it and that she felt like there was more to the story than they originally thought. They hadn't heard from her since but her contact person said she was fine and getting really close. When I called them yesterday they didn't know anything because she was supposed to report back last night. When she didn't and they couldn't make contact they made the bust using the Intel they gathered." He had to swallow before he could continue and I could see that it was really hard for him to say it out loud. "They found her in one of the apartments in the stash house." I could feel my tears falling._

 _I jumped up and nodded at my boss before I ran out of the house onto the cold streets of Chicago but instead of driving I decided to walk._

I haven't seen Voight since I ran out of his house I just can't get myself to talk to him well let's say talk in general because even when my brother came after his shift I didn't say a word. What was there to say she was gone she will never come back. Words were overrated and unnecessary. All I did was sitting on my couch and staring at the walls of the apartment remembering or trying to remember every little detail about her. What did she smell like? She always smelled like a day at the beach and I never found out what made her smell like that but it was my favorite scent in the world. What was her favorite dish? That's easy and I found out pretty quickly into our partnership that she loved pasta with shrimp scampi. I even tried to teach her how to make it because I was the cook and she perfected it over the years and when we moved in together it became the dish she would make for me and not the other way around. What was her favorite color? She told me once that she didn't have one and I teased her about it because I couldn't understand that so she just looked and me and gave me the best answer. She said that her favorite color always changed and she could never really settle on one but it felt like she truly found her it in my eyes. My favorite thing about her was that whenever she was really concentrated she would have a really cute facial expression. She would scrunch her eyebrows together and it made me want to kiss every inch of her face. I pictured her joking around with the unit and laughing at their dumb jokes her dimples showing full force. I loved those dimples and I used to kiss them whenever we were alone. I haven't gone to work since that day but to be honest I don't think anyone expected me to be there.

Sleep didn't come once in those past days. I probably wouldn't have eaten anything either if my brother wouldn't have made me eat and I felt like a little kid when he waited for me to finish my food before he considered leaving the room or the apartment.

Today Will decided that it was time for me to get off the couch and out of the apartment so he dragged me to the store with him to get groceries. His words were I must've forgotten to buy the last two month because every time he came by my fridge contained nothing but beer. Who should I cook for or buy groceries when for and I was barely at home or hungry for that matter. I let him drag me there anyways hoping he would just stop bothering me.

When I finally got rid of him and I was just relived to be alone again I heard a knock on my door. I tried to ignore it and willed the person in front of the door to leave again so I could continue my mental torture of creating an imaginary list of her favorite things. The knocking didn't stop though.

"Halstead, open the stupid door before I kick it in." I heard my bosses' voice booming from the other side of the door. I had to groan because I knew that he wouldn't go away before I had opened the door and so I pealed myself of the couch and made my way over to the entrance. I opened the door and walked back over to the couch without even looking at Hank.

He followed me inside but didn't sit down he just stood on the other side of the coffee table and looked at me as if he was waiting to speak. I couldn't look at him I rather stared at the wall. He stayed like that for a few minutes neither of us talking and I could feel his eyes burning a hole in my head.

"I wanted to check up on you nobody has heard from you since…" I still could bring myself to look at him because he reminded me of her. Even though he wasn't her biological father she picked up some of his facial expressions and habits. He used to tease her about the fact that she often just grunted instead of giving an answer and that she looked and sounded like Voight when she did.

One more thing for my list it definitely wasn't one of her favorite things but he loved to tease her about it and he loved how she tried to hide it when she found herself doing it. She would've never admitted he was right but he always knew.

The same grunt I just had to think about brought me back to reality.

"Will came by to feed and make sure I still live but you know I might as well be dead."

"Since you decided to bath in self-pity I guess you're not going to come back to work anymore and I'm just going to let you rot here. If you decide you want to pull yourself out of this don't come running to me."

Something inside me just snapped at that. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? I THINK I'M ENTITELED TO GRIEF A LITTLE YOU WOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL IF YOU WEREN'T SO HEARTLESS. I KNOW WE WEREN'T SPEAKING AND SHE HAS BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG BUT I LOVED HER AND I STILL DO BECAUSE WE WERE SO MUCH BETTER TOGETHER THAN WE WERE APART." With that my waterworks broke and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

I felt the couch dipping beside me and a hand found its place on my shoulder. He let me cry for I don't know how long but after a while when I calmed down enough he took his hand away but didn't stand up.

"Kid I know that you're angry and believe me I'm too but I realized that being angry or bathing in pity doesn't help you in any way. I wouldn't like anything more to do one of those things because she was the last person I had left and now I lived longer than both my kids or my wife did. I'm old and alone and the only thing I have left is work which is sad. I had my fair share of tragedy in my live and I hoped that after Camille that I would see my kids grow up and become parents themselves and when it's time they would say goodbye to me. Than Justin rebelled and I lost hope in him for a while but the army helped him grow out of it. He and Olive had Daniel and he was finally back on track I was so proud of him. All of a sudden I only had her. But she had you though I knew I didn't need to worry. When I got her the job in New York I thought you know she might not be here anymore but you can still talk and maybe she would come visit. She didn't come once she was always busy and working." He had to take a break to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat and his tears were falling now no matter how hard he tried to wipe them away. "I know that none of them would want me to drown in grief no matter how much I wished to do just that. I want to grand all of them their last wishes so I get my ass out of bed every morning and go to work to come back to an empty house that will stay like that for a long time. Before bed I think of them and I know that at one point I'll come to join them where ever they might be right now and I focus on knowing that they're watching over me. I try my best not to let the anger get the best of me and not to let it out on other people anymore, to finish my job I have to do here before I can go and see my family again."

We looked up at each other now and I'm sure I never seen Hank so vulnerable before but before I could say anything he held up his hand telling me he wasn't done yet.

"You're still young Jay you have most of your live still in front you and you will destroy yourself when you keep going like this. I know how you feel because this is exactly how I was after Camille died. I don't know if Erin ever told you about this but she was the one taking care of Justin and making sure that I ate and slept. At that time I wasn't very grateful for it when she told me she was just doing what Camille would've wanted her too. I will tell you the same what she told me all those years back. Don't give up on yourself that not what she would want. Grief and take your time but live your life because if not I'll have to kick your ass for her. She believes in you and she will look over you in everything you do so never forget she is there." How can Hank Voight possibly the one who just told me all of this. I wouldn't have believed it if it wouldn't have happened right in front of my eyes. I was speechless for a moment not sure what to say. After a moment of silence we both must've spend in our own thoughts he cleared his throat and began to speak again.

"There was another reason I came here." He pulled an envelope out of his coat and handed it to me. I thought I would fall over when I saw my name written in her handwriting and I would feel the tears forming in my eyes again.

"How?" Is all I can say.

"Her partner from New York flew in the city and she gave her instructions to give this to you but I told her I would take it to you."

"Thank you." I gave him a look and I think he knew that I thanked him for more than just playing courier but for his words and for taking his worry seriously.

The only answer I got was that grunt before he stood up and turned around to look at me one last time.

"I'll leave you alone now. Think about what I told you and just shoot me a text when you know when you're coming back to work." Not one minute later he is out of the door.

I'm still holding the envelope in my hands and it feels like I'm holding a ton of bricks in my hands even though it was feather light. With shaking hands I traced the letters written on the front before I brought up the courage to open it. When I read the first line written on the paper I felt my eyes cloud over with tears and my heart ripping in pieces. I need to read this letter so I closed my eyes and started counting again.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE

I counted until I was calm enough to read the rest of the unbelievable heavy letter resting in my hands.

* * *

 **To my Love,**

 **That you're reading this letter means that I must've been right about my doubts about my latest UC. There was just something about my friend that made me look over my shoulder much more than I liked but there was so much to consider and we couldn't back out after we've come that far. I've been UC so much in the last two years that it got harder to come back every time and I shouldn't be surprised that it came to this. I don't know who gave you this letter but I hope whoever did tell you the news gently. I don't even know if you care enough to read this letter because I treated you like a stranger ever since I've moved to NY. I regret never saying a proper goodbye to you and in general everything about the way I left. I have been such a coward and after not even telling you that I would be leaving for good I could never really muster up the courage to answer one of you texts or calls. I was afraid of what you would say and what you think of me. Even though I never really gave a shit about what other people said about me you were about the only person whose opinion could influence me in any way and you just had to say a word or look at me. So instead of manning up I did what I've always been best in and that was running when it got too hard.**

 **How could you keep up with me for that long when I can't even stand myself most days? One thing is for sure you deserved so much better than me. I know you would disagree with me but it's the truth. I couldn't even say goodbye to you and then I just ignored you. Jay you're the best man I ever met and I hope you will have all the things you want so badly. The two little baby's, the suburban house, German shepherd and retirement in Wisconsin you used to tell me about when I asked you what you want your future to look like. Do you remember that after hard cases when we were cuddled up in bed and I asked you that question you never failed to tell me that it could be our future? I wish it could've been because you're the only person that I would want all of it with but it wasn't meant to be that way. The reason is that somewhere out there is a girl that deserves you so much more and she will be able to fulfill those dreams I'm sure of it.**

 **Since I never got a chance to tell you this in person I will right now because it's really important that you know this. I wasn't** **mad at you after what happened with Abby or when you went to stay at Wills place. I might've been upset when I first found out that you were married all those years or married in the first place and never thought about mentioning it but I got over that quickly because I could see you were struggling. I don't know if you know this but when Abby first reached out you started sleepwalking. One night I found you on the balcony sweating like crazy even though of the freezing air that surrounded us. You were just standing there and when I came over and touched your arm your eyes snapped open and you started rambling about me being there wasn't safe. That the rebels would try to find me and use me as a weapon against you and I should leave before they could take me too. I knew you were sleeping even though your eyes were open. After most of my attempts to get you back inside didn't work I took your hand and put it over my heart. You instantly relaxed and I was finally able to get you back inside. We never talked about it after so I have no idea if you know what happened. I was waiting for you to tell me who Abby was and when she showed up it just didn't matter anymore. I really wanted to help you but I understood that you felt like you had to do it on your own because I've always been the master in turning to myself rather than others when I had to deal with my feelings. Which isn't the best way of doing it but that's the way we are. Let me say it again I wasn't mad at you just sad that you thought I couldn't deal with your demons.**

 **I regret that we never found our way back to each other when I was still there and that I made it impossible for us to ever really talk about it after I came to New York.**

 **What I would never regret were the times we spent together because you were my greatest supporter if I deserved it or not. My backup, sometimes the only reason I made it out of bed. You were my Househusband and everyone knew that I wore the pants in our relationship. I won't ask you for forgiveness because I wouldn't have wanted it. It was just very important that you knew all of this.**

 **One last thing I know I'm the last person to ask you for favors but my love please don't lose yourself over this. More importantly please don't give up on yourself. Grieving isn't weak or wrong I don't want you to end up like me after Nadia. I wish for you that you have the great life that you always wanted to. The one I know you deserve. Believe me or not but I got enough happiness from the time we had together that it made all the shit in my life seem less important and that's what you have to remember.**

 **And let me say one more time that I never loved anybody more than I loved you till I took my last breath.**

 **Your Erin**

* * *

And I cried and cried myself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey. Thank you for the review I got on the first chapter. I was planning on writing two from the beginning but I might leave it by that. Also this one is way shorter than the first one._

 _I don't own anything._

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 _Chapter 2_

There was thunder that rippled through the clouds and it sounded like the sky was about to break in half. Grayness surrounded us and it was pouring down rain like it has for days on end with no light in sight. I didn't mind though because it was how I felt on the inside. Broken in a thousand pieces. It's been eight days since we found out about her death and I've been like paralyzed ever since. Everything around me seemed to have slowed down, minutes felt like hours, hours like days and days felt like weeks. At the same time, time never moved that fast. I don't know how to describe it because I honestly never know how to describe anything these days.

 _I woke up disoriented and it took me a few minutes to realize that I was lying on my couch. I can't remember how I ended up here or why I didn't make it to bed last night. I saw it when I was standing up it was a corner barley sticking out from under the coffee table. It was like some invisible force hit me in chest and I sank back down to where I have been sitting. For a moment I had forgotten what happened, everything that happened. The panic attacks, the night at Voight's house, the days that came after and the letter. The letter she left me for a life after her. The letter she wanted to set me free with. Free from all the guilt I carried around ever since she left Chicago. Free from the heartbreak that I felt because I thought I wasn't important to her anymore. It wasn't that easy though. How could I just get over this or get over her in general because she was the love of my life and I will forever love her. I'm pretty sure that there is no person in this world I could love like I love her. What was she thinking when she wrote the letter? All of a sudden I could feel the anger in me boiling. How could she think that I could just move on? How could she tell me what to do when she was the one that lost her in grief and instead of facing it she turned to bad habits? Why did she not just pick up the stupid phone once and answered one of my calls or texts? I knew that those questions where just trying to suppress my actual once. The once I knew I didn't dare to ask because I was most probably not prepared for the answers._

 _How long did I sit in the same spot? Minutes, Hours, days? Who cares because time wasn't important anymore at least not the present and as hard as I tried to escape into the past I couldn't seem to. I heard a buzzing sound and made my way to find my phone. He buzzing stopped long before I found my phone and when I finally found it I had multiple texts from Will and a couple from the guys. The notification my focus was pulled to was the one missed call I had._

 _Hank Voight._

 _Those two words made me move faster than I thought I would be possible to in this moment and before I knew it I heard his voice on the other end of the line._

 _Voight."_

 _Hey, you called?" My voice sounded like I hadn't talked for the last two weeks._

 _Yeah, I wanted to let you know that she is being flown over here today." It took me a minute to register what he had just told me._

 _Her body was being flown to Chicago so we could bury her here. Today and it's just now that it hits me. I haven't seen her in two years and now I'm going to see her again but there is not going to be any life left in her. She is not going to talk to me, or look at me, or touch me. All those things I wished she would be doing again someday because after all we promised each other One Day and I didn't want to believe that all our chances were used up._

 _Jay you still there?" Oh right he was still talking on the phone._

 _Sorry, yeah I'm still here." I had to clear my throat so I was able to talk._

 _Listen I was thinking. I wanted to plan her service and I was hoping you could maybe help me. I don't know if you ever talked about what should happen you know in case she was to pass. I thought she might have told you what she wants us to do since she doesn't have a Will. Her name won't get engraved into the memorial wall and believe me I've tried to get them to do it but they won't since she wasn't CPD anymore. There is a lot to plan no matter what we're doing." I think for the first time since I knew Hank I heard him being unsure about something. He sounded broken. Why shouldn't he be he was about to bury his daughter and with that all that was left of his family? After all I'm not the only one who lost her. We all did._

 _When are they landing and where I'll be there and after that we can talk about the rest?" Not calling it by its name was just one more useless way of keeping it from reality and pretending it wasn't happening._

 _They…They fly in to midway in around three hours she'll be in a FBI jet. It will go to a private wing of the airport so let's meet at security and I'll take you there." Three hours, midway, security. That's what I need to remember._

 _Okay see you there." With that I disconnect the call and drop my phone on the coffee table in front of me._

 _To be honest I didn't think they would get her back here at all I assumed she would get a federal funeral since she's been working for the feds the last two years. No, I stand corrected I didn't think about her having a funeral in general but one would assume that a fallen agent undercover or not would get honored in some way._

 _I don't know if I can make it through today and I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through any of the days following. I feel so unbelievable empty inside like my mind actually left my body and just left my skin back. An empty shell that just waiting to be blown away is what describes it best. In the last days it seemed like I had times where my mind was completely empty too and there were times where my thoughts wouldn't stop harassing, even assaulting me with memories that where tucked away. Little things from the time we first started a thing back when she went to work for the feds the first time around. It's ironic how it all started when she went to work for the FBI when we were not working together anymore and we were finally able to give in to the urges that been have there since day one. The FBI made it possible for us to try out what it meant if we were partners in our private life and in the end it took her from us. Forever._

 _I don't know how to prepare for what was about to happen today. I'm going to be forced to watch Erin being rolled through a hanger on a gurney. If she even was on a gurney. Would she be in a body bag or a casket?_

 _I would lie if I said I never had nightmares about this day. In fact I had a couple of these especially back when she used to lay in a bed with me. Most of the time it happened on the job when I somehow got distracted and she would end up in harm's way. Those nightmares and the once that had me feeling like I was back overseas were the once that were the most specific. That's something I never understood how it was possible that nightmares were always so damn precise and of course why it was so easy to wake up when you have good dreams but almost impossible when you were trapped in some sick movie showing how fucked up the world was. In those bad dreams there were a few differences though because it always happened long after we agreed to have the same last name for everything outside of work. It would've been too confusing to have two Halstead's in the unit. It was long after the first baby even long after the second one. You could say it wasn't too long from a retirement in Wisconsin. It struck me then that even in my worst nightmares we had had a better future than we did in real life we had a good life together until it happened. We had all I had dreamed about having with her and more._

 _I realty we did have a great life together the five years we were in each other's lives despite all the up and downs. Five years weren't enough though they could never be enough._

 _The thing that was the same in realty as in the nightmares was the way I was feeling. Whenever I would have a dream like that I would wake up crying. That would wake her too and sometimes I would tell her what my dreams were about. Sometimes I asked her to tell me happy memories or stories while I moved my fingers to caress her skin. It would never lull me back to sleep but help settle that feeling of dread in my stomach._

 _I was craving this feeling right then the feeling of her fingertips ghosting over my skin and her body being cuddled against mine. Since the pillows she used to sleep with had long left our bed. I have never found anything that could calm me the same way her touch could and I don't think I will ever be able to find someone who or something that can._

 _I had to think about what she wrote in the letter and it angered me because how could she think that I would be fin with all of this. How could she think that I want the plans that I had for my future, our future with anyone other than her. For the last seven years every time I thought about what my kids would look like I would see hazel eyed, freckled, dimpled babies. I playing in our backyard with them and my beautiful wife with those dimples and eyes that made me forget what was happening around me in this cruel world every time I looked into them. I would see myself sitting in the bullpen glancing over at the beauty across from me not able to believe that that was my life. There were pictures in my mind of us sitting on the deck of my grandfather's cabin looking over the see lying ahead of us._

 _Over the course of the last two years those pictures never changed even with her being gone and me having seemed to having screwed it up beyond repair. The hope of her coming back to me giving me another chance never left me._

For the last eight days I excited in a world I hoped I would never be forced to live in. A world in which nothing seemed to matter. Now that we were standing here dressed in black it seems to be the world's end and I feel like whoever is up there agrees with me. I can't make myself look at the casket being lowered into the ground it would all be way too real. Not that it was already real enough. To be honest even though I saw her body I was waiting for somebody to tell me that this all was just a twisted joke and she was still alive. That they had to pretend she was dead because the undercover gig got to dangerous and her fake death was the only way to get her out without blowing her cover. I selfishly hoped she would have had to leave New York for her own protection and come back to Chicago. No matter how much pain even just a faked death would've inflicted. It wasn't happening though instead we were standing on a cemetery where somebody had dug a hole in the ground so the woman I still love so much can be lowered down and rest with all the other people lying here side by side.

It took us about a week to organize all of this and we kept it as simple as we could. Erin wasn't religious at all but she once told me that she would still want a priest at her funeral so maybe her family can get a little resemblance through the words that were spoken. One day we were lying in bed and we just closed a case with an old couple well then a lonely widower who had told us all about the relationship he had with his wife and how they always told each other what was on their minds. Even if it was about the way they want to be buried. That night she started the conversation about how the odds in our line of work and how she wanted me to know what they should do after she passed. All she wanted was not to be burned and that there is the same priest that was there when Camille passed. Erin said the way the priest talked at the service calmed her in an odd way and she hoped that she would see Camille again because they may be lead to the same place. Just one second later she said that she still doesn't believe in live after death or heaven and hell but if she could choose she would want to go wherever the only real mother she ever had was. I remember me telling her that I don't want to think about it but that but I think that my mom and Camille are sitting somewhere together watching over us.

Today on the 20th September 2019 I can only hope she will find her way to Camille and my mom and maybe I should just go there too. I can say with one hundred percent honesty that a place with those three women sounds so much better than being here in this senseless world. It sounds tempting but her words come to my mind.

 **Don't lose yourself.**

In the last few days I realized that it was too late for that because I'm pretty sure I had lost part of me when she hadn't even gone to New York yet. The part of me that was still left moved to New York with her and I feel like she might have taken to the grave with her.

I feel somebody touch my arm and I realized that the priest stopped talking not that I could concentrate on anything he said anyway. I don't know right away why that somebody wanted my attention. I skimmed my eyes over the sight in front of me and I saw the rose peddles and the ashes standing beside the grave and I knew it was time to say goodbye. I stepped forward and took a couple of rose peddles in my hand before I turned to let them glide down so they could rest on top of the casket. I had to think back to a few days ago.

 _Voight and I were standing side by side in the small hanger at Midway waiting for the plane that would bring her back to land. We didn't speak but it wasn't necessary anyway because there were no words to make this situation better. Not long after we arrived a jet and I could feel that it was the one that carried her in it. I had that overwhelming feeling that I had to vomit right there and it took everything in me not to give in to that urge. A couple of minutes later they came walking towards us one of them rolling a gurney along with him they came to a halt right in front of us. I think we just stood there for minutes nobody moving or saying anything. The black bag lying on the gurney contained everything that was left from Erin Lindsay. She who will always be my best partner, the Love of my Life and the one person I swore to never disappoint but failed so badly over the last two years. For a moment I want to run away because I feel like I don't to deserve to be here at all. Even if I would try my feet wouldn't move from its spot and I somehow register Hank nodding at the team that brought her here and after another moment they start moving to where the vehicle was waiting that was going to bring her to. Where ever Hank had arranged for her to go until we decided what would happen with her._

 _Later that day I found myself standing over the closed body bag staring at it hoping it would disappear and I would wake up from this sick dream. How much time passed while I was standing there was something I didn't care about at all and before I knew it I heard my brother's voice next to me._

 _I can open it for you when you're ready. I mean if you can't do it yourself." Will must have known that I've been standing here for a while. I think I've never been so glad to have my brother close. Without taking my eyes of the black material in front of me I nod._

 _Okay. Just give me a sign so I know that you're ready." After a few more minutes that felt like hours take a deep breathe and close my eyes just for a moment. Then I nod._

 _As soon as Will had unzipped just a couple of inches I could see her hair. I notice that it look exactly the same like before she left. My brother pulled the zipper down more and more until he stopped somewhere at her midsection. My eyes focused on her face, her beautiful face. It was much thinner than the last time I've seen her. Other than that she looked the same. Nothing was the same though because she would never open her eyes again. We would never share a lingering look. I would never be able to look in those hazel eyes and get lost in them like I used to. Those eyes that always held all her emotions in them would forever stay shut. My tears started running down my face freely. I moved my gaze to her nose and imagined the way she would wrinkle it when she was disgusted. Her lips that were like two soft pillows when I touched them with mine back when I hadn't broken her heart. No one of us would ever hear her laughter ever again doesn't matter which kind because at some point down the road he realized that her laughter sounded different from occasion to occasion. Her adorable, gorgeous dimples would never contour her cheeks again._

 _With every little thing I remembered I cried harder and harder and I could feel Will coming up to me and engulfing me in his arms as I cried for all that I had first lost just because I thought I could handle my problems without her and then because of the sacrifice she made for the job._

I look down as the pebbles gently landed on the wooden surface and I could see her smiling face in front of me and for a moment everything seemed irrelevant.


	3. Chapter 3

**I hope you like this chapter.**

 **I still don't own anything.**

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I can't take this anymore. The looks of pity I get whenever I meet someone I know that heard about what had happened. As if I wasn't feeling the impact of her death enough. No, it seemed like they all wanted me to feel even worse. They might not do it on purpose or know what it is like to be on the other end of that look but it definitely isn't helping. It makes me want to scream at them to find somebody else to take pity on. To find somebody else that makes them feel as guilty about their own life since it's much better than mine right now. Or how it has been for the last two years. I came to understand why Erin did what she did after Nadia died. I'm as guilty of her death as she was with Nadia. You could say the blame isn't on either of us but that's not true. Erin always said that she was to blame for Nadia's murder because she made it possible for her and Yates to cross path in the district and that she would've been still alive if she never pulled her of the streets. Back then I used to tell her that it's not true because Nadia might have never survived another week on the streets. She argued that she was the one who got her the job in the bullpen and she was the one to enrage Yates and because she couldn't have her he took Nadia instead. I had to keep myself from telling her that I don't know if I would've ever recovered from her murder if she was the one Yates chose as a victim. It would've undermined Nadia and the guilt and grief I too felt. I felt like she would've hated me for that statement.

Honestly, when I was trying to get her to let me help her and said all these things I knew it was bull. You can argue about whether it's true or not but it's definitely not how the human mind works. No matter if there was anything you could've done or not in most cases you couldn't change what happened. That doesn't mean that you don't feel like you're to blame or responsible for the death of a loved one. It doesn't change that you feel like you failed them in the worst possible way. That you convince yourself that if you would've just done things differently even the little once this never would've happened.

I knew because that is exactly how I felt when I came back from overseas. The guilt slowly taking away the last bit of will to live that was left in me. It was the reason why I started drinking myself numb in bars or at home because what was the difference? Why I started screwing everything that offered itself to me. Eventually starting to take pain meds just so I wouldn't feel anything for a while. I remember one time when I over did it who knows if on purpose or not.

 _I've lost my ability to walk in a straight line about five drinks before I was kicked out of the bar. To my surprise I was apparently still in better shape than I thought because I found myself in front of my apartment building with no memory how the heck I got there. Even more surprising though were the tears that were streaming down my face as I climbed the stairs to the fifth floor cursing as I more or less stumbled up each of them. I didn't bother wiping away my tears because there was nobody around and I was too drunk to care. At least that's what I kept telling myself so I didn't have to think about the reason for the salty fluid escaping my eyes. Convinced that ignoring them would maybe, just maybe make them go away. Though ignorance was pretty hard when you're trying to open your door and your sight is already impaired by intoxication even worse by the tears waiting to spill over the brim of my eyelids. So I tried blinking them away but it didn't help. I must've looked like an idiot standing there blinking like a maniac and trying to get my key to slide in to the lock. How I got the door to open was unexplainable and I only realized it when I was standing in my kitchen searching my cabinet for something strong._

 _Whiskey was my poison that night and I luckily found a half empty bottle of it. Shaking fingers unscrewed the bottle and without even bothering to look for a glass I chucked a large gulp of fluid down my throat. I couldn't even drink as fast as I liked to because I told myself that if I could just drink a little faster the tears would stop and the pictures creeping to the front of my mind would go away. The fact that I even thought that was possible was the evidence for how far gone I already was because I should've know it wouldn't end up good. I just didn't care. One thing that always happened when I drank was that my level of impatience rocketed through the roof. Having been a solider I usually was a really patient person but as soon as drank more than three drinks I couldn't get what I wanted soon enough. I didn't care that a minute later I had to run to my bathroom to vomit. Even though I had been drinking the whole day I went for mouthwash to make the taste in my mouth go away instead of drinking more whiskey right after. That's when I saw the little orange bottle that had somehow found its way in my cabinet. I didn't think about it long before I grabbed it and took it to the kitchen with me. Still drunk or not I realized that it was almost empty. Not that I could remember when I had taken the missing pills._

 _Now that I vomited I felt more sober but that just made everything worse because all of a sudden I could smell the desert and the blood. Somehow that didn't seem to be enough and the scent that invaded my nostrils next was something I could never forget. The smell of burned flesh was worse than any other there was. Knowing what was about to come next I made a split second decision. I didn't want the memories of my personal hell to catch up to me because I was doing pretty well with running away from them. I took five of the pills in my hand and then I put them in my mouth before I swallowed them one after another. Once there was nothing left in my mouth I finished the reminder of the amber liquid and then I let my eyes shut._

 _That was my last memory of that day. The next thing I knew was waking up with a murder headache and a wired feeling in my throat. As my surroundings blended in more and more I could hear a faint beeping beside me that made my head even worse. There was another sound I couldn't identify and when I realized that I wasn't able to control my breathing I knew what that sound was. A vent was doing my breathing for me that was also why I had a wired feeling in my throat. As soon as I knew what it was I began to panic and I could feel myself starting to gag. My eyes flew open and saw somebody rush out of my room and coming back with more people in toe. My doctor told me to keep calm and that they were going to take me of the vent right away._

" _Welcome back, Mr. Halstead. I'm Dr. Beyer I treated you. How are you feeling?" He said in a voice that sounded way to cheery and not at all appropriate._

 _I tried to talk but when I opened my mouth nothing came out and the nurse that was in the room poured me some water before she guided the straw between my lips so I could drink. I wasn't prepared for the pain swallowing would inflict. It felt like my throat was on fire and it took a minute for me to calm down again._

" _Ju-st fabulous." He must've been kidding me how was I supposed to be feeling? There must be a reason why I was in a freaking hospital._

" _I see. Do you recollect any of the events that brought you here?" He asked now less cheery._

 _I tried to remember what had happened but the last thing I remembered leaving my apartment in the afternoon. I couldn't even remember where I was headed. I shook my head no and braced myself for what was coming next._

" _Mr. Halstead you were brought in with a blood alcohol level of 2.0% and we found a rather high concentration of pain medication in your system. We had to pump your stomach. If it wasn't for your friend here you wouldn't be here with us today." The cheer in his voice was now completely gone and his features were very serious. With last sentence he pointed to the other side of the room where I could see someone leaning against the wall. It took a moment for me to realize that it was Mouse standing there giving me a look of disapproval._

" _Well, a colleague will come by to ask you a couple of questions and I will check on you in a while." With that he and the nurse left the room and I could feel Mouse's eyes burning holes into my face._

" _What?" I ask Mouse with a glare. I didn't understand why he was acting like this it's not like he has been in a better place than me._

" _Is that how you're going to play this?" He asked me incredulous. "Do you know how that felt to see you like that. Passed out and half dead sitting on your couch. You can be happy that I found you when I did or you would be dead right now."_

" _Oh I'm sorry that it hurt your feelings Greg maybe next time when I'm trying to forget about the brothers we lost over there I ask you first before I take too may pills." I spat back. "Maybe you should have left me there."_

 _Mouse stumbled back against the wall. His eyes were wide and his jaw dropped to the floor. It took him a moment to collect himself._

" _Jay this is not you this is not what you want. I know it's hard and the drinking and sleeping with women I get I'm not going to say anything about that. But overdosing or taking pills this is not what we do ok. If you want to go down that path you have to go through me and I will make sure that this will never happen again. Do you even know that you were unconscious for three days? You didn't make it back home to kill yourself. Jay you're stronger than this." Mouse has a stern pitch in his voice that I've never heard from him before even overseas I've never seen him like this. So enraged._

 _I didn't answer but just turned my head away and looked out of the window watching the snow cover Chicago in a blanket of whiteness. How I wished in that moment to be covered in whiteness myself._

When I think back to that time I want to crawl under a rock and never come out again but I also realize that there is just a fine line between my situation right now and all those years ago. I might not take pain meds to numb myself but ever since she has gone to New York I spiraled out of control. Sometimes I don't even know how I make it through the days without killing anybody. I wish Mouse could be here to help me because after all he is the only one who truly knew the real me. All of me even my darkest, darkest self that never unraveled itself to Erin. If it wasn't for Mouse I would've never been able to meet and fall in love with Erin because I would've died when I was at my lowest.

I never really told anybody this story, not all of it at least because I'm so ashamed of it even happening. There was this one time when we had a few days off and I finally convinced Erin to drive to Wisconsin together. Her words were.

 _Okay Halstead, stop bugging me I will come to the cabin with you but only because its summer and it's too hot in the city._

I was so excited to see her face the moment she realizes that it's not just a little cabin without water, heat and light. After she overcame the shock she hit me and told me that I was a jackass for not telling her how huge and modern the cabin is.

At some point during these few quite days we were lying awake in the huge bed handmade by my grandpa she seemed like something was bothering her.

" _Erin?" I asked after twenty minutes of her fidgeting around in my arms._

 _She looked up at me before she spoke. "What's up?" She asked casually._

" _I was about to as you the same. I can tell that there is something on your mind and you know that you can tell me everything." I looked at her with hopeful eyes. Even though I was not really expecting her to tell me what was really wrong I couldn't lose hope._

 _She looked at me a moment longer before she looked back down to where our hands were joined. I was using my thump to mindlessly rub circles on her hand. I was about to ask her again when she started speaking so quite I had to really concentrate to hear her._

" _I want to tell you something but I don't need you to say anything about it. I don't need pity. I just feel like I need to tell you." She didn't wait for me to say anything or looked at me to see if I give her any sign to continue. "Right before Hank and Camille took me in I came to the lowest point I could reach in my already low life. Bunny hadn't been there for a couple of weeks and Charlie threatened to kill me because he found out I was giving information to Hank. I had run away from his house a couple of days and was spending my days and nights on the streets. I didn't want to call Hank because I felt like I deserved being alone and miserable but I also didn't want to let go of the drugs. When he first offered me to help and pull me off the streets I had to go to rehab and he would check for drugs on a regular basis and if I take them again I would've to go. That particular night I had just felt as dirty and useless as never before and the drugs and alcohol didn't have the same effect anymore. So I went to the next corner and bought H with the last money that I had. After that I found myself a bench somewhere in a park before I took all of the stuff I bought. I remember swallowing it with tears streaming down my face and right before everything went black I thought. That if nobody ever really loved me than nobody would care if I took a little too much H. There were already so many people dead who had been loved that deserved to be alive way more than I did. I thought maybe I could spare some other person maybe an old lady who would have more time with her family. I mean I knew it didn't work that way but I hoped it would." She paused and I wanted nothing more than to take her face between my hands and tell her that I wished that I could've saved her from the childhood she had to suffer. I didn't though I waited for her to continue._

" _I woke up in a hospital, absolutely pissed at the world that it didn't work. I remember opening my eyes and taking in my surroundings. There were machines standing around my bed making all kinds of noises. I was about to look for a remote so I could call a nurse to ask her why the heck I was there when I looked to my left and saw him sitting there. Hank Voight perched on an uncomfortable chair his forehead wrinkled as he looked at me. Of course I had to give him some sassy remark about saving his hero complex for people who want help. God I was such a brat. But he didn't get mad or left me like I thought he would. No, he just took my hand in his and told me to shut up because he was going to talk now. After he told me how I ended up in the hospital and said that he was so worried I wouldn't wake up ever again. That the world would've been deprived of the woman I was going to be if I would just put some effort in it. For the first time in my life I saw somebody being truly concerned about me and I don't know how but it changed something inside me." She had started to cry now I could feel the tears soaking through my shirt and I had to force myself to not do or say anything until I was sure that she was done._

 _After a while she looked up at me and then she told me these final words before she broke down. "I had to try to kill myself to finally realize that there was somebody in the world who cared if I still lived or not. I took Hanks offer than but it took me so long to show him how much it meant to me that he saved me because I was really scared that if I say it out loud that it would vanish and I would be back to my miserable life."_

 _I just held her against my chest and stroked her back with one hand while still rubbing circles on her hand with the other one. We stayed like that until she calmed down and I was sure she would be listening to me._

" _I was in a situation once where I wasn't sure If I wanted to die or not but I almost did because I made a stupid mistake. Maybe I did it on purpose, maybe not but it happened and you know what I always have to think about?" I asked her taking her chin in my hand so she would look at me. "I think that if that stupid, stupid mistake wouldn't have ended the way it did I would've never met you or get back on track with Will. So I thank the person that made sure I didn't escape this world for being there because I would've missed the best thinks in my live just because I might have thought it wouldn't get better. Maybe it wasn't meant to be." We didn't really talk much after that but neither of us had the urge to say anything._

I never really told her any details even though she told me every single little one in her story. I regret that now because maybe if I would've been more open with her in the first place I wouldn't have felt like I needed to leave our apartment. Maybe she would've never left for New York. Maybe this was my fault after all. There were so many times when I could've told her about the time overseas or what happened after I came back but I never felt like I should talk about it because if I would talk about it I would've to deal with everything that came with it. And I was deeply afraid of what would happen to me or to us. Another reason why I don't need any pity because I was the one they should be blaming for this. Why does nobody understand that this was all my doing?

Maybe my dad has always been right about me being a coward and I've just been good at playing pretend all those years. Now though I'm facing my true self the little coward I'm who let the love of his life go just because I was too afraid to open up Pandora's Box.

For the second time since I've read the letter those three words invaded my mind.

 **Don't lose yourself.**

It's like she is talking to me, pleading for me to not lose control over this situation that already was so out of control. That's what made me pull out my phone and call a number that was added to my contacts somehow over the years.

"Dr. Charles is speaking. How can I help?" I've always thought that his voice is oddly calming but I had to take a deep breath never the less.

"Hey, this is Jay Halstead. I-I was wondering if you would be available for a talk sometime?" Speaking on the phone with Dr. Charles about something that isn't work related made me feel really awkward.

"Sure I see I have sometime Thursday around noon. If you want to swing by?" He asked casually.

"I'll be there. Have a nice day, bye." Without waiting for an answer I hang up and drop the phone on the counter.

I feel like I'm gonna vomit and I have to fight the urge to call the doctor again to cancel the meeting. I just have to make it through the next two days without forgetting why I'm doing this.

I owe it to Erin to fight this and to get better to grant her one of her last whishes or at least try to do so. I just hope I won't end up doing what she asked me not to while trying to find out what kind of a person I really am.

The coward I'm now or the strong person I once used to pretend to be?


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the wait I couldn't get myself to write.**

 **I don't own anything.**

 **Chapter 4**

Over the course of the last two days I had to fight so hard against myself to not cancel the meeting with Dr. Charles. It has been so hard since I haven't went into work ever since it happened because I couldn't concentrate and so I couldn't take my mind of the what could happen once I started reliving my darkest days. Well you could say that I'm currently having really dark days, too. The fact that I haven't been sleeping made it even worse because I couldn't escape my thoughts at any time of the day. I'm trapped in the dark part of my mind, the darkest there is and even though I'm already at that place I feel like it is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. The upside of not being able to sleep is that I don't have to deal with the nightmares. Those have been torturing me for over two years now. I mean I did have them before but there frequency increased rapidly after I left our apartment. Now that I think about it I'm surprised that I'm still standing and haven't been admitted due to exhaustion because the amount of sleep I have been getting since that day was definitely not healthy.

Sometimes I wish to just turn my mind of and go to sleep for a month without being awoken by a nightmare or a wakeup call from Voight. I wish to go back to the times when I had a warm body laying snuggled up against me helping me settle most of my fears. When I used to wake up to her I liked to watch her sleeping because she looked like an angle while sleeping. That's how her nickname happened.

 _It was on a Sunday morning and we had nowhere to be. It didn't change the fact that I woke at around seven. The sun was streaming through the curtains and enlightening the room. I could feel her curled into my side her head resting on my chest. It was impressive how her body was always like a heater but her feet like icicles. Pretty early into our relationship she developed the habit of tucking her feet into my legs no matter if we were in bed or on the couch she always did it. Not that it bothered me because it showed me that she enjoyed our closeness as much as I did. The positon we were in right now was my favorite and I gratefully took every minute of it. I just stayed like that for a while with my eyes still shut and enjoyed the feeling of belonging it gave me._

 _It was filling me with a warmth and gratitude that was so strong that it overwhelmed me at times. I had to make sure that this was real so I slowly blinked open my eyes and let them adjust to the intense sunlight in the room._

 _When I glanced down I saw her face bathed in the sunlight. Her skin seemed to glow and her face so relaxed. My eyes skimmed over her features. From her hair that was currently spread all over my chest to her wrinkle free forehead. That spot right between her eyebrows that I like to lay a final kiss on right before we fall asleep. Her cute little nose and her closed eyelids that flutter oh-so slightly in her sleep. My eyes were drawn to her mouth just a second later when a little sigh escaped her lips. Those two soft pillows that fit perfectly on mine just like they belonged together. There were so many times I dreamed of kissing those lips back when we were partners and friends. Some days I couldn't stay focused because I couldn't tear my eyes away from her lips and I watched them as they moved when she talked. Smiled, pierced them together or rolled in when she laughed._

 _I look at the places her dimples will be when she smiles and I can't help but imagine a little girl with hazel eyes and identical dimples running around._

 _What pulled me out of my thoughts was her raspy voice telling me to quit the staring. I smiled to myself at that because she was always grumpy after she first woke up. I could feel her pressing herself closer to me before angling up so she could look at me. As we stared into each other's eyes I saw a grin forming on those lips I had just thought about a couple of minutes ago. I decided to lean in to give her that good morning kiss we both know we don't like greet the day without. These are usually the slow and delicate ones. The kisses that weren't rushed or heated or demanding. These kisses were feather-light and sweet and sometimes they would lead to more than just a good morning kiss. We broke simultaneously to fill our lungs with some much needed air and Erin laid her head back down on my chest. She let her fingertips ghost over my skin and let out a deep breath. I could tell she had something on her mind and I was determined to know what it was._

 _Er, do you want to tell me what's on your mind?" I didn't get my answer right away but I didn't push her to tell me because I learned that pushing just made things worse. So I just waited._

 _Why do you always watch me when I sleep?" She finally asks after a moment of silence. "I've always wondered why you're doing it I mean it's not like there is a lot going on with my face when I'm asleep."_

 _Honestly the question wasn't at all what I expected and it threw me of guard a little but I regained my composure quickly._

 _I like to see your face when it is so relaxed. I like to take note of all the little things like the twitching of your nose right before you wake up or how your eyelids flutter. When you lay there with your head on my chest and your hair all wild. I like to watch how the sun streams make your skin seem like its glowing. I don't know how to describe it but it makes me feel at peace."_

 _When I was done listing the things that amazed me about her sleeping features I looked at her and saw her tinted cheek. She lifted her head again to look at me just shaking her head with a big smile plastered on her face._

 _You're such a dork I can't believe it sometimes." With that she turned her head slightly to peck my chest before putting her head back down again._

 _We just stayed in each other's arms for a few more minutes enjoy our relaxed day off. Neither of us spoke because there was nothing that needed to be said and we were completely comfortable to just lay there._

 _Despite not wanting to get out of bed I decided it was time for breakfast when I heard her tummy growl. We both had to laugh because she was always hungry._

 _On that cue I will go make some French toast so you're not going to have to eat me." I said as I slipped out of bed. I walked over to the dresser to pull out a pair of sweatpants and when I went to put them on a pillow hit me in the face. I looked up at her stunned and found her smirking once again._

 _Ha, you're so funny. For the record I wouldn't eat you, too much hair." She told me with a wink. I looked at her again draped over our bed head resting in her hand her hair cascading down her sides and her face still being lit up by the sun coming from outside. All of a sudden I knew which word I was trying to find earlier._

 _Angel" She looked at me confused at that. "The word I've been missing when describing what makes me look at you when you sleep. It's because you look like an angel when you sleep." I smile at her._

 _She blushed and a smile formed on her face. She came crawling out of bed moving over to where I was standing. Stepping between my spread legs she put her hands around my waist and leaned up to give me a kiss. A loving, slow and meaningful kiss. Before long we had to break apart to get air. Just when I was ready to side step her to make my way to the kitchen she hold me a little bit tighter and then she glanced up to me with the biggest smile on her face._

 _You are amazing and incredibly corny but I love you." Man, I could not get over hearing those words from her and even though we've been saying them more regularly now they never seem to become regular._

 _I love you, too my angel." I said before I leaned back down to give her another quick peck on the mouth before heading to the kitchen to make some breakfast._

After that I began to use that nickname every now and then. It was reserved for times when I wanted to show her just how beautiful she looked to me. Sometimes I also used it to tease her or to thank her just like the time she let me drive the Sierra when we first got it.

All through my adult life I have been plagued with nightmares sometimes more frequently than others but over the course of our relationship there were only a few of them, and I never really thought about it until Erin moved.

Now I was sitting in my parked car in the med parking lot staring at the numbers on the dashboard. 11:48 am. I'm going to have to leave the car in about four minutes since my appointment with Dr. Charles is at noon. My hands were drumming on the steering wheel clearly indicating just how nervous I was. Maybe that is the wrong word. Sure, I was nervous to go inside the hospital, walk in to the doctor's office, sit on that couch and talk about what was making my life so miserable. Despite all that I was deeply afraid and uncertain what would happen while I was in there and even more anxious about what was about to happen once I was alone.

Talking about my feelings and thoughts and fears is not something I like to do. That's why I couldn't seem to get out of the car as I could feel my fingers now holding the steering wheel in a death grip with my knuckles turning white. I could feel my heart drumming in my chest and for a moment it felt like I was drowning in it. You know that feeling when you're in the bathtub and put your head under water and all of a sudden you can hear your heartbeat hollowly echoing back? To me it always feels like it's consuming me but in a good way. I could lay in there holding part of my head under water for hours and not move. This on the other hand was different. It made me uneasy to hear my heartbeats that loudly like my heart wanted to tell me something but it couldn't get through to me. It kept getting louder and louder.

As I could feel myself on the edge of a panic attack I took a deep breath and started to count.

One, two, three, four, five

One, two, three, four, five

One, two, three, four, five

I could feel myself getting more controlled again and reopened my eyes. When I looked at the dashboard I swore. 11:59 am. I pulled the keys out and threw the door open. With large, quick strides I made my way to the doctor's office.

I find myself in front of the closed door a moment later and just when I was about to knock it opened.

"Detective I was just about to see if you called my assistant and cancelled. But now you're here and were ready to start. Let's step inside shall we?" Dr. Charles offered.

I stepped inside his office and scanned my surroundings, awkwardly standing in the middle of the spacious room. The walls were painted in a sandy yellow and there were posters and other framed pictures and documents hanging on the wall. I figured on of them was his diploma. On one side of the room there was a couch and two armchairs with a coffee table in between. Then there was the doctor's desk. Standing against the wall behind the table were shelfs filled with books and files.

I felt his eyes burning into me from where he has currently standing. After a moment I pulled my focus back to him.

"The thought about me cancelling was definitely not as absurd as I hope it would be. To be honest I don't know how many times I thought about that since I called you." It made me feel ashamed to admit that and it made me cast my eyes downwards.

"Well I'm glad you decided not to and are here now. Take a seat and get comfortable it will help you." Somehow I wasn't convinced my level of comfort on the couch would make any of what was about to come easier but I took a seat. Not knowing what to do with my hands I moved them from my sides to rest on my knees before I opted on folding them in my lap.

There was a moment of silence in which I intently focused on a stain I discovered on my left pant leg. It was a tiny stain but when you focus on it like I did in that moment it was still visible. I wondered what it was because I was pretty sure I put on a clean pair of pants. Well if I would be completely honest with myself I have been a lot messier than I used to be but who cares about that when your whole life was falling apart. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize that Dr. Charles had started to speak.

"Jay. If it would help you I could start to talk and tell you why I think you called me and you just tell me if I'm wrong. Okay?" The doctor's soft voice drew me back in and I nodded my head without looking up. Swallowing hard I braced myself for the words that were about to come out of his mouth that would somehow summarize my life. I might have made this appointment but I wasn't ready at all to talk about everything and I had to concentrate so hard on staying in that moment and not escape like I had tried to do on so many occasions it the last week. Maybe years. So I kept telling myself that I owed this to her that I was doing this for her.

"So from what I know about you, you were an army ranger and did two tours and you've seen a lot of actions and experienced the loss of many of your fellow soldiers. Than around the same time your mother passed away from cancer. That alone is a lot to handle especially when those things happen as close together as they did in your case. A while later you became a police officer. Ending up in the gang unit where you did undercover work which brought you to your current spot in the Intelligence Unit. There must have been many situations that reminded you of the time you spend serving. It must have been hard for you but somehow you handled it. In your Unit you met Miss Lindsay who was your partner. I believe there are a lot of things I'm not aware of what concerns your relationship but you two had a romantic relationship and shared an apartment. Something changed and she left the city on short notice and went to work in New York." Well that was my life not all of it but it's amazing how easily it can be summarized in a couple of sentences. It was astonishing how much the psychiatrist knew about me even though there were a lot of things he didn't know yet like the horrible things I had down while on active duty. I finally tore my eyes away from my lap and looked at the man seated a cross from me. Our eyes meeting just as he continued speaking. "Miss Lindsay recently passed and I can't tell you how devastated I was to hear that. I can't imagine how you felt due to the nature of your relationship." By the time he finished I had broken eye contact because I was sure that I would cry and I wasn't about to let him see that.

Every time somebody voiced this truth out loud it made me want to throw up, have a panic attack and tell them they were wrong simultaneously. I still wished that it wasn't true and I was just trapped in this sick dream. Now that Dr. Charles has laid most of my screwed up life in front of me it made me wonder if my life would ever not be a sick dream. Was I ever awake or was the time with Erin just pity dreams. Maybe someone thought I deserved a little break and let me dream happy dreams? No, I can't let myself think like that. I know that this moment right now was as real as all the others happy, sad, frustrating, horrible, terrifying and devastating as they were.

I wasn't sure what to say. When I lifted my head again a few moment later I nodded once again gulping down the lump in my throat. It seemed to have taken a constant appearance there just like the salty moisture in the corners of my eyes.

"Erin. She… She wrote a letter for me to get … a-a-after… and she wrote she didn't want me to lose myself. I'm here for her. I owe that to her." That's all that my brain was able to form right now.

Once he was sure I wasn't going to speak again he started again. "It's good to know why you decided to come here but what do you say about starting at the beginning of your story? What made you decide to join the rangers?"

Again I told myself repeatedly that I was doing this for Erin, my love. I gathered all my strength and started to fill in the blanks in my story.

"I guess I never felt like I fit in you know, in school, at home. My dad was blaming me for being the way I was and it frustrated him that I wasn't the first born he dreamed of. He let me feel that, rather frequently. Will and I were close but he was the son my dad was proud of and I was just a disappointment and that drove us apart at some point. One day I was walking through the streets of Chicago and passed an army recruitment office. My grades weren't the best and graduation was coming up so I saw an out in joining. Maybe I thought my dad would finally accept me and respect me for what I was about to do but he was furious he threw me out of the house when I first told my family." I went back to look at my folded hands but still continued. "I moved in with a friend and finished school even though my mom tried to talk to my dad he didn't let me come back home. The day I was supposed to leave for training I went home to say goodbye since I wasn't sure when and if I was coming back. My mom tried to talk me out of going but I had sat my mind on doing it. My dad wasn't even home and he didn't come to say goodbye. Will brought me to the airport and I made him promise me to look after our mother while I was gone. She let my dad into her head and he constantly told her that she was useless to him and that she failed to raise me right." Talking about my mom always has been hard for me. I still wondered if things would have gone differently if I would've never left. The doctor had still not made a move to speak so I took it as a sign for me to continue. "Just a few weeks after I completed my training I was drafted to Afghanistan for the first time. It was hard to see my brothers' fall and I quickly found myself trying to turn all my emotions off and just not to be too invested. No matter how hard I tried it didn't work. We came home with one third of our original team having never made it back alive and I thought it couldn't get worse. I was moving up the ranks quickly and I hated myself for being rewarded when so many were dead. But then I had to report back to duty for my second tour and I got my own unit. One of the guys in it was Mouse. We became fast friends and went through a rescue mission together. One of my man was captured by a group of rebels and we did things to get him back that hunt me every night when I try to close my eyes. The day we were scheduled to come home we had to patrol the little town near our base one last time. I was in the lead Humvee with Mouse and another one of my man and there were three men in the second one. I remember joking with Mouse and Rey and all of a sudden I felt myself being thrown back. I must've hit my head really hard because I kept drifting in and out of consciousness and I only registered bits and pieces of what was happening. After a while everything went dark for good and I woke up a week later in a hospital. I just- I kept all of these pictures locked away over the years until two years ago when someone I worked with during that tour came back."

I felt so drained when I was done talking and I realized that I was shaking like crazy. I could practically feel the tension in my whole body. There was a thick silence hanging in the room and I was about to bold and run out of the office. This was a bad idea and it wouldn't help anyway. I was broken beyond repair.

"You definitely didn't have an easy life Jay and we are slowly but steady going to go over what else happened because I suppose that's not all that brings you here. It was a great start. I'm glad that you were comfortable enough to share this. Our goal is to find a way for you to deal with the things you've seen that is much healthier than bottling it up. We are going to go at your pace and I won't force you to tell me anything because that is only going to make it more difficult. I would recommend that you come twice a week but I know that you have a busy and often changing schedule so we try and make it work. Since today is Thursday we will start next week and I would say I'll see you Tuesday same time if something comes up and you can't make it let my assistant know. Have a good day." He said rising from his chair and offering his hand for me to shake.

With my hand on the doorknob the doctor began to speak again.

"Detective, one more thing. This is not going to be pretty and I can tell you it gets worse before it gets better but never lose hope that you can beat it. Your strong I'm sure you will."

I stared at him for another moment before I turned the knob and excited. On my way back to the precinct my head was spinning with all the things I had on my mind but there was one question pushing itself to the front of my mind.

Was this really going to work?


	5. Chapter 5

**I felt like writing today do here is the next chapter I hope you like it.**

 **I don't own anything.**

* * *

Over the course of the next few months I formed a new weekly routine I worked, I visited Dr. Charles on Tuesdays and Thursdays and tried to get together with Will as often as possible as I found it helped spending time with my brother. About three weeks ago Dr. Charles suggested it was time for me to go back to the support group I haven't been attending ever since after Erin left because with her leaving it felt like I had no reason to work towards getting better anyway. At first I was skeptical about going back since I felt that going to therapy two times a week was the help I needed and that I wouldn't need to go to group, too. So I asked him why he thought that I should and he just told me that I was making progress with him but he felt like it would help me to talk to people who understood.

He was right and ever since I've been going to the meeting in the community center in my neighborhood every Wednesday I feel less alone. Today was one of those days and I was currently waiting for my fellow veterans gathered around so Mike the group leader could start for the day. As I scanned the room I saw a young man how could've been older than twenty-three standing in the doorway shifting from one foot to the other nervously. I've never seen him here before so he must've been new his behavior just confirmed my suspicion. I knew how he felt well we all did because we all have been in that situation before. I was there not too long ago when I stepped back in to this room for the first time in two years just a few short weeks ago. I could see the struggle he was having with deciding if he should be leaving again or if he would be stepping further into the room. Knowing what he was feeling in this moment made me get two cups of coffee before I made my way over to where he was still standing in the threshold.

"Hey, first time here?" I asked as I extended on of the two coffees indicating that it was for him.

He looked at me with a weary expression on his face as if he was trying to decide if he should take the offered cup and answer me. After a minute he took the coffee that I was still holding in front of him and nodded his head.

"Well, welcome my name is Jay and I'm still pretty new, too. At least this time around. But all the people that come here are nice and Mike the guy who leads the meetings is great." I hope to ease his nervousness at least a little.

"I'm Greg. I didn't really want to come here but my sister insisted she hoped it would help me but I think I can handle it without this." He said not really looking at me. I was about to say something when I was interrupted by Mike who asked us to take our seats so we could begin.

Mike talked for a while before it was the groups turn to step forward and speak. There were two other people who talked before I decided it was my turn to share. The last couple of times I've been reluctant to share much but today I felt like talking about what I went through would maybe help Greg. I don't know why but ever since we exchanged those words earlier I had the urge to help him. Maybe it was his name and his behavior that reminded me a lot of Mouse.

Mikes eyes fell on me and I cleared my throat before I started to speak.

"Hey, so my name is Jay and I'm 36 and I was a Ranger in the 3rd Battalion 75th Regiment. I did two tours in Afghanistan about 8 years ago and I'm still in the force. When I first came back I never really dealt with what I had to do and what I saw over there and always kept it to myself. Even though I had and still have people in my live I could have shared it with but it always seemed easier for me to just ignore it and hope that it would not come up ever again. I did ok for a few years despite the nightmares that came with the cases that reminded me of what happened when I was on active duty I worked on every now and then. This was until two years ago when someone from my second tour came back to Chicago and contacted me. She reminded me of the time over there as well as of the time following when I went out every night to get drunk and picked up random girls just to try to forget it all because we met at a brothers funeral in Vegas back than were we both got drunk and married." At that I let out a sarcastic laugh because it always had been something I regret deeply especially because it was never something I thought I would've done. "It was all a joke and I signed the papers the nest day because we agreed on getting and annulment so you can believe that when she turned up in Chicago two years ago and told me she never countersigned was a shock for me. It brought me right back to the time it happened and the reason that lead to my behavior back then. This time around I knew I couldn't suppress it again and started coming to these meetings. There were more things going on in my life at the time and after the woman I loved left the city I stopped coming and fell in to a hole again. Long story short something happened not long ago that made me look at myself and the person I am today and I found the courage to start therapy and now I'm here." I finished looking at Greg hoping that it had encouraged him to continue coming and showed him that it won't be helping to keep it all to himself.

Mike spoke up and I lifted my eyes to look at him. "Thank you Jay for sharing this and we're all glad you came here to seek support." He smiled at me genuinely and moved on with the meeting.

When it was time for Greg to speak he didn't start immediately and I could see his hands fidgeting in his lap. When he hadn't started speaking after a few moments and didn't look like he was going to Mike looked at him and spoke up. "It's alright we all understand it's hard to talk about it and we all started small. Maybe you can tell us your name and what made you come here?"

Greg looked up from his lap and I could see him swallowing hard before he nodded. "Mh, I'm Greg twenty-two years old and my sister gave me a pamphlet about this group. I was a Ranger and did three tours I came back three month ago. I don't want to sleep because I have nightmares so I try my best to stay awake. To be honest I don't know if this is for me." He said shrugging his shoulders and he didn't say anything else.

"That was a good start. We don't force anyone to come back and continue doing this but maybe you give us another try next time and then you decided. It's your decision but I think I can talk for all of us when I tell you two things. First it takes time and second we would like to help you if you let us." Mike looked around the group and finished the meeting just a moment later.

I stood and made my way over to where Greg was standing ready to bolt out of this room.

"Hey, man." I called and he turned around. I digged through the pockets of my jacket when my fingers skimmed the object I was looking for. "If you ever want to grab some coffee or maybe you know talk to someone who understands this is my number give me a call no matter what time it is. I work a lot anyway." I extended my card to him and hoped he would take it.

His eyes darted from my card, to my face, to his car and back to my card. All while I never looked away from him. He slowly stretched his arm out to slide the card out oh my fingers. He nodded his head without saying anything before he turned around and walked to his car.

* * *

The next day I was waiting in front of Dr. Charles office thinking about our current case when my phone ringed to life showing an incoming call from an unknown number I hesitated for a moment before I picked up.

"Halstead." I said in to the speaker waiting for the caller to answer. I could hear breathing on the other end but no one answered.

"Hello who is this?" I tried and after I repeated myself I could hear click that indicated the caller had ended the call.

I would've called back but since it was an unknown number I couldn't. But before I could think about it more I was called to go into the office I was quiet familiar with by now. The Doctor was sitting behind his desk writing something on a chart and it took a moment for him to acknowledge my presence.

"Jay how are you today?" He asked as he got up from his chair and made his way around the table to shake my hand.

"I'm good how about you?" I said as I went to sit on the couch I got used to sitting on.

"Same old always busy. So is there anything you want to talk about today?" He asked me this every time I come here and until now I never really knew what to say and let him lead to something. Today though I had something on my mind.

"Yeah, actually I do. Yesterday at the meeting there was this new kid he just came back from overseas and he was a Ranger, too. His name is Greg. I guess he just reminds me of Mouse you know the name his behavior the same nervous twitching Mouse used to do before I helped him getting his job in Intelligence. It makes me think about the fact that Mouse is out there right now and that I can't do anything to help him. I want to help the kid though. I just don't really know how." Once I was done talking I looked at the doctor who still looked a little surprised that I offered something.

"That this man reminds you of your friend who has the same Name and did the same thing is of course totally understandable and at this point I want to interject that it's good that you focus the need to help on to the person you could really actively help but you have to let him except your help. Don't push him into letting you help him. About Mouse I can't tell you nothing will happen but as we discussed before you have to stay positive so you can help him when he gets back." I nodded along because we did discuss this already when he asked me how I felt about Mouse going back overseas and I told him about the guilt about not being there to support him or have his back especially now after this happened to Erin and I wasn't there to have her back in the first place.

"Yeah I try to keep it in my mind but it's hard to remember sometimes because I'm sure the men who are there with him are good at what they do but I would feel better if I would do it myself. That kid from group I gave him my card and told him that if he ever wanted to talk or grab coffee he could call and I really hope he does. I just what do I do if he doesn't?" I ask a frown forming on my forehead.

"You offer again and if he doesn't take it the second time around you wait and offer again but don't push because there certainly is a difference. He might open up to you and take your offer he might find somebody else to do that with or maybe he won't but you can't change that you just be there when he is ready." I know he isn't only talking about the kid but about Mouse, too.

We were quiet for a moment before I spoke again. "I told my story at the meeting yesterday everything but well my Mom and Erin I just couldn't I think I wouldn't have been able to keep it together." I told him honestly. That's something that has gotten a lot easier the more time I spent in this office. I was letting myself be honest about my feeling at least in the safety that these four walls made me feel. With the people in my life it was still a battle but I tried my best. Ever since I realized that being honest made me feel lighter I tried to be more open to the idea of expressing my feelings.

"That's great Jay you're making great progress. You can be proud of yourself. It doesn't mean that we don't have some way to go but I'm happy to see that our time is helping." He told me with a smile on his face.

My phone buzzed and I saw it was Voight calling so I apologized to the doctor before I answered. I exchanged a few words with my boss before I told him I'll be back as soon as possible and hung up.

"Sorry we have to cut short today we have an active case Voight needs me back at the district." I apologized as I made my way to get to the door.

"That's alright stay save out there." He offered and with that I was out of the door.

* * *

It was Tuesday a week later when I had already forgotten about the unknown number that had called me. I was sitting on the couch watching tv and enjoying the take out I got because there was no way I could've cooked anything after the day I had. We had just closed our case that had brought me back to the time when I accidentally killed that little girl those years ago and the time overseas something pretty similar had happened. So to say I was beat was an understatement and on top of that Dr. Charles wanted to talk about those memories after I told him I was afraid of going to sleep tonight because there certainly would be nightmares robbing me of a good night's sleep. So when The Guys asked me if I wanted to go to Molly's I declined because I planned on sitting on my couch and watching mind numbing TV until I fell asleep. That's exactly what I did.

Though the falling asleep part didn't happen as fast as I hoped it would that's why I found myself awake still when I felt my phone ring late at night.

UNKNOWN NUMBER

Is what the display read and it was then that I remembered that call I got last week.

"Halstead." I spoke my usual greeting.

The difference from this call to the last one was that this time I got an answer. "Hey,mh, this is Greg. From last week. Do you remember me?" the Kid spoke with the same nervousness I had seen on him last week. I couldn't help the relive flooding me even though I didn't even know why he had called yet and still it was a start.

"Yeah, I do how are you doing?" I wasn't really sure what to say.

" I'm ok I guess. I was calling because…because I was wondering if that offer still stands?" Now I was letting myself feel the relive because he had indeed called to take my offer about talking. I didn't hesitate a second before I answered.

"Of course it does do you want to meet for coffee or do you want to talk now?" I asked him.

"Coffee is good. I was thinking I want to go to the meeting tomorrow. Maybe we could go after?" He paused before he began to ramble. "That's if you're coming and if you're free after? I'm sorry I should have lead with that and not just suggested that…" Another thing that reminded me of Mouse.

"Man, were good and I'm definitely coming if I don't have to stay at work late. So, tomorrow after group should work just fine. And even I've I can't make it to group we could still meet when I'm off just text me and I'll let you know how were going to do it." I offered to assure him that it was indeed doable. I heard him letting out a breath on the other and as if he was waiting on me to tell him something negative.

"Ok. I will. Mh, Have a good night, bye." I heard before he ended the call and I put the phone down in my lap. This was good now I just needed to hope that I would be able to help like I wish somebody had helped me when I first got back and my life was laying at my feet shattered to pieces.

With that thought in my head I heard her voice.

 **Don't lose yourself.**

She wrote those words to me and they were what guided me through the last couple of months and what made me reach the point I was at right now. At a point where I could feel that some of it was getting better and easier to do. I was hoping to make more progress and helping someone else doing the same along the line.

I turned my head to the side of the couch where the little end table was at and my eyes fell onto the picture I had standing there. A picture of Erin and me somewhere outside both of us smiling at the camera and as the sun was cascading soft light onto our skin. I focused in on her face that held a smile that was showing of both of her dimples. I found her eyes and closed mine while whispering.

 **For you I won't.**

Before I let myself drift to sleep my mind filled with images of Erin's smiling face.


End file.
